Paper #4- Peer Review

In this paper, the thesis presented by the writer is that technology was a way of connecting people and bringing them together. However, now technology is becoming a way to bring people apart. The central theme in this paper is the concept of travel and how technology has grown from benefitting groups of people early on in time, to now becoming a way to benefit one’s self. The paper is about the advancement of technology from being a connector of societies and cultures to now becoming a way to bring about individual advancement. In it, the concept of technology and how it affects us in our current location is stressed greatly.

This writer uses good language and has good ideas. However, I feel as if his ideas could be expanded on with great detail, as seen in this quote: “This cover explores the use of technology to connect people on a wide scale.” I believe that the writer should analyze the cover more thoroughly and provide details that support his statements. “Individualism ties into this cover with the use of the campers, but the people are still connected with society and interacting with each other.” The writer needs to use more evidence from his cover and he should re-evaluate his choice of words. The last cover has great potential to have ideas to be expanded on but as seen here: “People use the subway to travel to and from work, meetings, home etc… Once in the carts each person becomes isolated and they do not participate in conversation,” the writer needs to provide more description. The conclusion: “On the other hand, cell phones have been connecting people but also have been causing a great deal of isolation. For the most part this technology has helped make our nation come together but also made isolation more present,” presents separate ideas rather than tying the entire essay together and relating it directly to the thesis. Lastly I believe the writer should revise the essay as I have noticed a few small grammatical mistakes.

Overall you should revise your essay by correcting the simple grammatical mistakes shown in the essay. You should analyze your covers and expand on them with great details. Ask yourself why often, and if your answer isn’t already written in your essay, than add the answer. By expanding what is in your mind, you are expressing your ideas and bringing them to life. By doing so, you are providing the reader with some sort of a better understanding of what you are trying to show in your essay. I found the essay interesting, but it has the potential to be better.